My Top 10 Booze Rules

So I found this the other day…

You can tell whoever came up with these rules was male…a man who liked his beer cold and his shots strong! So I’ve decided to make a little list of my own, for the modern-day woman.

  1. Getting ready while drinking can be a dangerous game. Make sure you have, at least, finished your hair and nails before you finish your first glass.
  2. Drinking through a straw goes from sexy to sad very quickly. Remember this when you’re swaying on the dance floor trying to find the straw with your tongue.
  3. Beer belly aren’t sexy, so watch your cider/beer intake.
  4. Ensure everyone has used the loo before taking any obligatory loo pictures. (Boy have I got some stories!)
  5. If your going to mix your drinks…know your in for a MENTAL/early night from the beginning. Get mentally ready to carry or be carried home.
  6. Surround yourself with friends who WON’T let you snog the lad, that you think looks like a cross between Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt while they just take photos and laugh. (The pictures the next morning were shocking)
  7. NEVER EVER take off your heels. Feet seem to swell to double a normal human being size after wearing heels. You will have 2 options if you take them off: 1) Walk around bare foot while looking like a poster girl for the government’s Drink Responsible campaign. 2) Squeeze your swollen feet back into your shoes only to walk like a pregnant dinosaur for the rest of the night.
  8. Your phone is not your friend after you’ve had ‘a few’. No exception to this rule….just no.
  9. People are easily influenced while drunk and no good idea has ever come from a drunken mouth. Going to the only club in the city that is open to 4am because it’ll be easier getting home then finding a taxi at 2am? Not a good idea. Going to a house party after 3am after hitting a few too many bars? Not a good idea. Doing the inflatable challenge  in a bar because you think you can win the £50 bar prize? Not a good idea. Thinking you can get up on the bar and dance like in coyote Ugly? Not a good/legal idea.
  10. Know when its time to go home. If you’re telling the bar staff you can’t taste any vodka in your vodka energy drink, its time. If you’re telling the toilet attendant your life story, its time. If you’re legs turn into Bambi, its time. If things start to get a little soft focused, its time. If you’re dancing like a crazy person and people are taking pictures of you…heck you just carry on!

Remember, if you’re going to lose your dignity…bring someone down with you, don’t be the only one on Jagerbombs!

Different Types of People

Through my life, I have met a range of different characters. Some I keep in contact with, while others dotting out of my life as quickly as they came in. Looking at the sort of people I have met in past years, I have found common characteristics between some of them.

The first of which, are the ‘dramaramas’. This group consists of people who love to have real life soap dramas. Their world seems to be one life altering issue after another, while they love to be the talk of the town. They are at their happiest sharing their life struggle to any available ear. DO NOT BE FOOLED into thinking all that is needed are suitable solutions and basic logic, dramaramas know what they want and its drama. However, you can be promised that there will never be a dull moment with a dramarama about. Even uttering a dramarama’s name is enough to get a good old conversation going.

Next we have the ‘non-settlers’. These are the people who change their job or relationship status more times than you change your bed sheets. While you’re getting excited about your holiday, they are planning and 6month stint around South America. While you’re planning your mothers 50th birthday party, they are looking at hostels around Thailand. The idea of settling down has yet to occur to them. You secretly start to hate yourself as your life compared to theirs is dull, boring and routine.

The average ‘Joe and Joettes’ are the ‘norms’. They don’t live the rock and roll lifestyle and won’t be seen on the front pages of any newspapers. They keep their heads down and just get on with life. Although they may feel like their lives are dull in comparison to some of these groups, they are the key to keeping any friendship group alive. There is a limit to the amount of other characters which can enter a friendship group, whereas the Joes and Joettes are always welcome.

We also have the ‘high fliers’, these folk are the people you meet and just instantly know they will be in Forbes magazine in the next 5 years. They have the entrepreneurial spirit in their blood. These people have had meeting with Prime Ministers, CEOs and trustees, so whenever they have the time to fit you into their busy busy schedule your draw drops. They may always be glued to their Blackberry, but there going places, fast. Go climb aboard or get out of their way!

‘Weirdos’ are the people you meet and try to keep happy to stop any sort of midnight murdering spree. They appear to be average Joes and Joettes at the start but you quickly spot their true identity. They come out of nowhere and can be very tiresome. ALWAYS BE NICE TO THE WEIRDOS, you never know when they are going to snap.

The ‘watchdog’ group consists of people who are into the dodgy dealings. Their house is full of things which have ‘fallen out the back of a truck’ and are able to get you anything you have ever wanted cheaper than retail. However, these trucks don’t seem to have been headed towards known brand warehouses, so instead of ‘Nike’, ‘Prada’ and ‘Sony’ the watchdog group would be able to get you ‘Mike’, ‘Prado’ and ‘Sonny’.

These are just some of the characters I have come across in my time and I know that there is more to come.

When I Was A Little Girl

I saw this picture today and it got me thinking about what I wanted to do when I was little.

When I was a little girl, I had dreams. I had goals. I had planned out my whole life. Everything was going to be easy, I was going to be rich and my wedding was going to be the most talked about event ever.

While at primary school, I believed that I was going to be married by 23, have my first kid at 25 and be able to retire at the grand old age of 50…rich. All I knew was that I would be settled in a nice big house and be an actress come model come singer (none of this 9-5 office malarkey).

So here I am now, 22, with a Sports and Marketing degree under my belt, childless and single. I’m not a famous actress as I can’t remember  reams and reams of script, I’m not a model as im only 5’5 and im not a singer because my voice could make dogs howl. The 10year old me would consider my life now, a failure. The more (and i use this word loosely) mature version, is glad she doesn’t have to worry about mortgages, wedding funds, living in a good school area and the rest that goes with it. Although a large piece of me would love to retire at 50.

Many of my friends have kids and the odd few are engaged or married, although I am happy for all of them, I know that I can go out, get rat arsed and not be guilty the next day that I’ve spent the food/gas/car money. I don’t think settling down young is right for everybody, heck, I know it’s not right for me. Everyday when I spot a young mum shout at their daughter ‘Beyonce’ for calling their little brother a ‘c**t’, I’m grateful I wasn’t a teen mum, living in a highrise with 3 different baby daddies (That’s a post for another time).

The Diet Starts Today!

I have fallen off the healthy eating wagon one too many times! This time, as WordPress as my witness, I will stick to eating healthy and doing daily exercises!

I was so thin at university. Back when a few packets of crisps, squash and afew sweets could do you for the day. Now im chomping on PizzaHut while keeping an eye on the chips and fatty burgers in the oven! Long gone are the days when size 10s were loose and my abs could be seen due to lack of belly fat.

If I actually stick to a healthy eating plan, by Christmas I’ll be able to gorge like no mans business! Here’s to stuffing my face during christmas!

By BALOOCARTOONS.COM

Top 10 Ways To Ensure Hair & Soul Loss

  1. Attending the Jobcentre…for any reason what so ever!  The mixture of staff who think they know what they are talking about, local chavs, druggies and alchos and THE STUFFINESS of the place will take your soul in minutes. Only when you catch someones eye who looks to be in the same situation as you (actually looking for a job and not just wanting the money) do you realise that there may be life after this place and the hopes of getting out  with pieces of your soul intact are slightly increased. RULE – The jobcentre is not a place to meet new friends and catch up with people you only see every two weeks.
  2. Being stuck next to ‘a crazy’ on public transport. We’ve all been there, when were just chilling, waiting for your stop, maybe reading a book…when BAM, a crazy gets on. They are ‘all up in your business’ not taking the hints you have been giving out that you’re not interested. I’ve found that other members of the public, who aren’t on The Crazy’s radar will give each other a look. It’s a ‘oh no, not another crazy’ mixed with a ‘thank God they aren’t talking to me/trying to get my attention’. This horror mixed with satisfaction can be found on tubes, busses, trains and trams. Look out for one near you today. RULE – Never make any sort of eye contract with The Crazy or the person The Crazy has on radar.
  3. Having to slow your powerwalk/slow jog down to snail pace due to a slow walking woman in heels, who seems to have all the time in the world to get to her set destination, even though its 8.55 on a monday morning. I have nothing against women in heels as long as they can keep up with the pace of the person infront of them. If you can’t keep up, wear flats and change just before walking in! RULE – If there is a growing gap between you and the person infront…your moving to slow!
  4. Supermarkets on the weekend. Just no need to be that packed – simple as. We have online shopping, 24hour stores, mobile shopping and thousands of stores of the big 4 alone, so there is no need for it to be that packed. Yet during the weekend, people feel the need to bring out the whole family (nan and all), for a day trip around Asda. People feel the need to hover over the bread aisle…pondering which brand to get, wholemeal or white, thick or medium. Then said people, with 30 items in their basket, decide to go through the self check out, with vodka bottles and DVDs so the store assistant has to put in a zillion codes for them before they can proceed in scanning the next bottle of vodka. PERSONAL RULE – I can live without sweets in my house for 2 days. PUBLIC RULE – Online shop.
  5. Christmas shopping. Now, don’t get me wrong, I love the festive season,people are just much nicer during it. However, shopping for Christmas is a whole different kettle of fish. If tripping up an old lady means getting the last Number 7 Protect and Perfect bundle, then so be it. I’ve eyed people up holding the last product in stock, weighing up if they want to buy it and pouncing like a wild animal once they place it back on the shelf. Christmas shopping makes people go crazy and the longer you leave doing the big christmas shop the crazier you’ll end up being during it. RULE – If your diving for a pair of santa socks in Primark, you’ve left present buying too late.
  6. Sunday Evening. The weekend finally arrives after a long arse Monday through Friday. However, Saturday is just spent catching up on the sleep you missed over the week , then before you know it, BAM, its Sunday. You realise that you’ve wasted your weekend and already you’re trying to get into the mind-set for work the following day. Sunday become a pre-work day, you’re doing your washing, making your bed and getting clothes ready for the week. It makes the work week seem extra long. RULE – Enjoy Sunday, don’t think about Monday.
  7. Deciding what to wear.  The age-long issues, do you go stylish or do you make yourself comfortable? Heels or flats? blazer or knit jumper? The struggle in the morning when you try to find clothes which match is only made worse when you realise that your shoes may not go with the outfit or the weather just isn’t right for it. I’m just waiting for the day with the potato sack is in fashion, so finding what to wear wont be a big issue anymore. RULE – Find something and stick with it.
  8. Hair Products. I have spent a mini fortune on hair care products, which all claim to give me longer, thicker, healthier hair. Yet here I am with weak brittle hair, waiting for the miracle product to make it all better again. I can see why people have taken to making their own shampoo and conditioners, at least then you know, if it’s not making any sort of difference you can switch it up, without paying a hefty fee. If products had the truth about its contents on the bottle, I would have alot more money in the bank. RULE – Read reviews before buying.
  9. Getting a new job has to be one of the most stressful events ever. Gone are the days when employers would beg for you to join their company, oh how the tables have turned! With this current economic state, companies can, and do, ask for the best of the best. They should rename CVs and covering letters as Begging Documents. Just getting those seen by the right person is a victory in itself. Not coming across as desperate in the interview is the second victory. Not weeping like a small child if they offer you the position, is the final victory. RULE – Never stop applying, if you could apply in your sleep – do.
  10. Playing Monopoly has to be THE best way to ensure hair and soul loss. Coming from a monopoly lover, I have to put my hand up as say, the game is just never-ending! I know I am halfway through the game when someone is accused of stealing from the bank, which surprisingly happens every game. It seems to bring out the ‘dell boy’ side of people mixed with a hint of stubborn and Mr Burns evil. Which sounds funny, but when the game goes on for 4 hours, it takes its toll on people. RULE – Keep an eye on whoever is the bank.

Jezza Time

I’ve spent a lot of time watching Jeremy Kyle, not just while I was a student (#shame). Whether I have been employed or ‘in-between jobs’ I’ve always managed to make time for Jezza. There is something both relaxing and exciting about it. The same episode can have you laughing and gasping, judging and empathising. Like a drug which decreases your IQ, so is The Jeremy Kyle Show.

I’ve seen some real beauties on the show…some with teeth, most without. One thing is certain, you don’t have to be good-looking to be on TV anymore. The lack of suitable makeup and clothing is the real shocker of the show. I can only assume they have decided that clothing (makeup and hair) isn’t more important than finding out who your baby’s father is or if your lover has slept with your best friend behind your back.

What is so addictive about the show which airs the issues the dregs of society (the unemployed, drug addicts whom have faces for radio) have? I find myself wrapped up in DNA and lie detector results, hoping for the juiciest outcome. Wondering how one persons life can lead to appearing on the show. At what point does your boyfriend or girlfriend turn to you and say ‘the only way to sort this out is on Jeremy Kyle’ or ‘I want you to do a lie detector on Jeremy Kyle’.

I leave you with a special Jezza clip, 10points to whoever can decode what they are saying.